“We want to cross the river, but we don’t want to get wet.”
(Stephen Schwartz, The Compassionate Presence)
I sit here on this Mother’s Day with some unresolved grief and sadness. The events of late have thrown me into another round of looking at myself and my reactions to the world, and this time I landed smack dab in the middle of my childhood. I think it is time to unwrap one more package and see what’s inside.
As a child, I learned how to feel about myself and my world through the reactions of my parents. I learned that if I showed fear, anger, sadness, or confusion, that I would get shut down. I even learned that if I showed too much excitement or joy I would get shut down. “I can’t believe you are acting that way,” or “you ought to be ashamed of yourself” were the two messages I heard over and over and over. Attention was so often focused on how I was asking or how I was expressing my feelings that what I was asking or sharing never got heard.
I tried hard to learn all the rules so I could play the game right, but the rules kept changing, and nothing made sense. And I kept messing up. So I tried harder. I wanted to please. “Yes” was the only safe answer, so I learned to hide my “no” behind a smile. Pretend to agree and just do whatever I wanted in secret. I learned not to reveal anything… not to feel anything… it was not safe to take the risk. This continued well into my adult life.
When I went to my Mom and told her I was pregnant (I was not yet married), she got up, called me by my whole name (reserved for when I was really bad), and left the room. She refused to speak to me. She refused to help me with my wedding, because I said “no” to a quick courthouse affair. She turned her back on me completely. I experienced my biggest fear… total rejection. I have never cried about that. I just shoved the pain away.
Yet today I see that it did not go away. It has been there all along seeping out as confusion or oozing out as anger, and I find it rearing it’s head wanting attention when circumstances feel familiar. When I am faced with a situation where I am powerless to effect change, I feel not only the current feelings of hopelessness, but all of the times I have felt hopeless and trapped come rushing up to the surface. When I hear myself thinking, “It’s not fair,” all of the times I screamed that as a child burst onto the scene and envelope me.
And I keep my mouth shut and play nice. I am not willing to take the risk of authenticity, for fear that someone will get hurt. I may get hurt. Somehow my words and my actions will become the problem, just like in my childhood and in my marriage. It’s not safe!
I have come to believe that it is one thing to forgive my past and another all together to feel the pain of it all. I have forgiven my mother… and I have forgiven myself. I know intellectually that we are all just doing the best we can with the tools we have at hand. Still, my unresolved pain is kicking my butt today. This clarity sucks, and it is freeing all at the same time.
I know what I need to do, and I am willing. I am willing to open the door to all of the pain… to feel it. I believe when I let myself go there, I will find the safe place I have been longing for… inside of myself. I am not there yet, but the awareness is there and I am willing.
I am willing to get wet.
PS Does anyone have a bathing suit I can borrow?
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