From Sucky to Sanity

Yesterday started out sucky. I went to my Friday job where I work on a database for a place I really love, only to find that the computer was down and no one told me. So I headed back home with a tight jaw and a conversation with my itty bitty shitty committee.  “A simple phone call would have been nice! I could have stayed home in my pajamas and finished my writing! Is it too much to ask for simple consideration?”

I heard myself slipping into bitterness, and I do not like feeling this way, so I pulled out my phone to call one of my Wise Women only to see a text from my afternoon appointment. They cancelled. Dangitalltohellandback. What’s up with this day??? Deana Carters song, “Did I shave my legs for this?”  popped into my brain, and I smiled. “Guess I am getting a day off to take down the Christmas tree. It is, after all, the Epiphany, so the Wise Men have found my house already!”

Starting to shift into gratitude, I pulled into my driveway and was hit by the realization that the car my teen drives was not parked out front.

Panic slammed my body. My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and I had a huge lump in my throat. I grabbed my cell phone and started dialing as I ran up to her room hoping to find her there. Her room was empty…

It only took about thirty minutes to find her this time… and that’s when all the feelings flooded me. I was very aware that my reaction was huge compared to the event, which was big enough on it’s own. When it’s hysterical, as they say, it’s historical. And I knew this was happening. I was reliving the moments when I could not get in touch with my son… when he committed suicide. I knew this was happening yet could not stop my body.

I made a bunch of phone calls. One of the reason I am so grateful for being in Al-Anon is because I have a large support group. There are many people who know my story, and today I needed the phone list. The tenth person I dialed called me back quickly, and I was able to listen my way down to center. While I was on the phone, I heard my daughter come in the front door and head upstairs to her room. Relief anger fear frustration fear calmness gratitude fear … all of it was true all at the same time and I went kind of numb.

And I slept. My spirit needed rest.

When I woke up a bit later,  I made chili and took down the Christmas tree and packed up all of the ornaments while she slept upstairs. Today I am amazed that the computer was down and my clients cancelled. I had the time and space to process and feel and make decisions about how I want life to look in my home.

Tagged as: fear, feelings of frustration, God, grief, let go, serenity