Sometimes “religious words” turn me off. I am going to save that discussion for another post, but suffice it to say that today I am willing to take a look at my bias. I want to look at those places where I feel resistance… I guess you could say I am working on seeing the baby in the bath water.
Today the word that came up in my reading was worship. I relate worship to sitting in church singing hymns that only trained vocalists can follow-my Episcopal experience- or sitting in church listening to the preacher tell me how sinful I am- my Southern Baptist experience. When I saw the word, I felt resistance… a tightness in my jaw… and when I noticed what I was feeling, I decided to take action. I looked up the word with the question, “Can I integrate this word back into my vocabulary in a way that feels safe?”
I don’t always know what I think I know
To my utter astonishment, the worship means worth shaping or to shape worth. I love that! I talk to God a lot. I ask him to guide my thoughts, words, and deeds so that I can be the person he created me to be. And when I talk to God and turn my life and my will over to his care, my underlying thought, unconscious as it may be, is that I am worth shaping!
My definition of God is not limited by the churches I have attended. Instead, my experience of trust and surrender is growing my understanding-my definition- on a daily basis. It is expansive and crosses all borders and languages, all time and space. I just know what works for me… God gives me strength when I think I cannot go on. He gives me courage when fear kicks my butt, and he holds me dear when I reject myself. He inspires my creativity. He gives me teachers and helps me stay humble so I can learn. He refreshes my perspective when I catch myself judging others and guides me to see my regrets without shrinking in shame. Letting God be in charge brings me peace.
And when I sit in this knowing, I can truly say, “I am worshiping!”