I have been taking another trip down the rabbit hole, swirling and spinning, feeling lost and trapped. All of my thoughts were about the actions of someone else, and I knew with certainty that unless they changed, our relationship was doomed. I tried several times to get them to see the error of their ways and understand my point of view. Surely if they understood, then they would say, “Oh I get it. You are so right, and I will gladly change how I am doing this!” And they would change their ways forever, and we would go skipping through a bed of tulips with a rainbow overhead… smiling and laughing.
I jest. Sorta.
Sometimes I trap myself into thinking that my happiness depends on someone else doing something different. It’s like living with an addict thinking that unless they stop using, then I either need to leave or live miserably for the rest of my life. The black and white thinking kicks in leaving me with an “I can’t win here” scenario.
This time I called someone before the spinning turned me into butter. I ranted and she reflected back my thoughts and feelings without judgment or criticism. She also guessed what it was that I was wanting underneath all the stories I was telling myself.
I started to get clear and found two needs, and the two needs seemed to conflict. Then she said, “Think of your seemingly conflicting needs as two flowers in the same flower pot,” and I had an instant physical release. I saw a picture and relaxed into my body.
I thought, “The flowers may be turning in the opposite direction at first, but little by little, both will eventually turn towards the sun.”
And as soon as I had this thought- this image- I had this sense of knowing that I can’t lose here. It is my fear that is keeping me stuck… not the actions of another. I fear standing up and being authentic, because my words may hurt someone or make them mad at me. They may not want to be my friend anymore. I also fear not speaking up, because I do not like what is going on and it is making me crazy.
It’s a struggle between me and me. And I can do something about that.